There are chemical weapons, biological weapons, nuclear weapons - then there are simply weapons that chill the hearts of all enemies and cause them to run off screaming like schoolgirls into the night. This is one of the latter - in the previously classified grouping of dinnerware weapons. The D&S Battle Fork. We didn't just go halfway on this. This is a deadly tool of the dark arts, as wielded by the Box Assassin on her many missions into the shit-holes of the world - most which will never be declassified. Not man, nor woman, nor beast can you trust ... but this, you can trust:
THE BATTLE FORK!
Applications accepted for this lethal tool. Contact D&S by using the button above to navigate to the page where you may fill out a form and enter the selection process. Your file will be vetted by the nice men in black helicopters, but Sporkgirl (call-sign "Box Assassin") hand-selects those who carry this... and the equally feared, but rumored to exist - the "Battle Spoon."
Meatheads and wusses need not contact us. Battle Forks are considered WMDs by some, and Homeschool Security may not allow their transport to some individuals or states. And if you live in a different country - piss-off. Go fork yourself. Shut the Hell up and stop moaning.
When you can't think of anything else,
but sticking a fork in their head.
"I escorted a group of UFOlogists up to the top of the overlook out in Nevada - at the location the government refuses to acknowledge, but which everyone now knows as Area 51. With the largest telephoto lens brought to the top of that mountain ever, we noticed some unusual activity at dusk outside one of the visible structures. Masked men were surrounding some kind of silvery box - obviously alien technology; perhaps reverse-engineered in secret by our government. They drew something out of the box, and it wasn't until much later, when we were reviewing the images, that we realized what we might have filmed. The above photo was digitally-enhanced, but what can clearly be seen being drawn from the alien egg - is some kind of three-pronged object.
Could it be the legendary Battle Fork. In our opinion - that's what it was."
-----From affadavit submitted to MUFON by "Sunglasses Man"
(Muther's Unbelieveably Frakked-up On Narcotics)
You may use the form below, to contact us regarding the acquisition of a battle fork. Spork Girl and the nice men in black helicopters review all requests. Only Spork Girl herself can issue the necessary authorization to our forge staff to produce a new fork. Al Gore views the forks as a possible danger to the environment, and the Central Interrogation Agency and the Department of Homeschool Security are nervous about Battle Forks falling into the wrong hands, so applicants are carefully vetted.
Battle Forks are deadly instruments of the dark arts - and in the hands of properly trained individuals, can wreak havoc on a horrific scale. To take the Battle Fork lightly is to toy with death. Many evildoer boxes have fallen due to the single weapon wielded by the Box Assassin - nemesis of the Taliban Boxistan clan. The Box Assassin herself is referred to by the Benga Benga Bali-Babba tribe of North Africa as "Witch-woman of the High Sands." Many have tried to take her down, but they have all met their doom at the sharp edges of the Battle Fork.
Applications being reviewed. The cost of such weapons is classified - and considered to fall under the banner of "Essential Elements of Friendly Information." Subsequently, further details of the Fork - even the type of supersteel used - are kept within the group of successful applicants only - and those operators who are already fielding the deadly weapons.
And we're not even talking about the Battle Spoon.
Contact us regarding the fork, however. We are always interested in new candidates, and our team awaits an opportunity to serve you better.
For those interested, our knives feature a zero-grind style at between 7.5 and 11 degrees. We do each of these completely by-hand and by-eyeball. There are no jigs at work here. Our grinder
features a ten-inch wheel with a variable speed controller - and we run it at high pressures with a 70 duro contact wheel and 2 inch x 72-inch blaze ceramic belts.
We do not, however, weigh our knives. If you are worried about how much they weigh, you must be preparing to take them into space. Hope you have a good trip.
Our steels have been LaTrobe Dura Tech 20CV, ELMAX, M390, CTS-204P, Z-FINIT Nitrogen Steel, CPM-20CV and a couple in N690 and Cowry X. We are always experimenting - and always looking for new materials and treatments.
Our coatings are also specialized stuff: We use Black-T and Black Diamond DLC. Our blades are sent out to those two companies to accomplish that work, depending on the requirements of the project.
We do all our own firing and cryo work. Everything by-hand and by-heart.
FOR KNIFE BUILDS...
(yep. We are that busy)
Troops come first.