FAQ

How do I buy a knife?

Go to the Price List and press the pretty red button. It will take you to a magical place where you will be able to give us your address and other fun stuff - it's like Willy Wonka - just without the chocolate factory or Willy or irritating children. At that point, you will receive a knock on the door. A mime will offer you a blue pill or a red pill. Choose carefully.

Just kidding. 

In your reality (because it definitely isn't ours) you will then be directed through the exciting process of PayPal. Which is actually very legit and safe - and all those things you've come to expect of a real business. Which we are. We just have mimes.

Do you offer payment plans?

In the late 1800s and early 1900s - and as late as 1970 in Alamogordo, New Mexico ... and even currently in brightly-decorated places in Nevada and Europe and other less-brightly decorated places around the globe, the oldest profession was and is practiced. If you don't know what that profession is - then you're not old enough to know or to buy a knife. Go play with your Lincoln Logs.

For those of you to whom this profession is clearly understood, you will recognize the ridiculous prospect of asking those who work there if they have a payment plan. You will be bounced - by people as big or bigger than Badoracle - but equally as skilled at producing injuries you never knew were possible.

In a similar way, our custom knife business is configured. Because if you ask for a payment plan - while we may feel like helping you out - we'll probably tell you to go play with your Lincoln Logs. You can whittle them with the dull folding knife you can buy at any department store. Of course, if we like you, we may offer to accept payments by sending you PayPal money requests. But if you don't pay them - we can't help you.

And if we do decide to give you a payment option, you can be sure you are counted among a very select number of people we call friends.

What time of day can I contact you for recommendations on dining, relationship issues, general questions about sailing ships and sealing wax, cabbages and kings?

Piss off. Try calling the White House. They want to answer everyone's questions with soft, mealy-mouthed bullshit. They'll probably give you a big, wet, sloppy kiss for making such inquiries. In fact, I bet there's an entire department set up with its' own czar by now - just to take phone calls from your dumb ass. Check. We'll still be here waiting.

You won't really make an "O - No" knife?

Yep. Probably will. Let me be clear, our "O - No" knife will improve the climate and make everything better as a whole. Think of it as a band-aid for everything that ails you. And yes it will probably not stop big government - but then again, by offering an "O - No" knife, we will be supporting the free market - and if you buy it, you will be helping with our mortgage - and by extension, the housing market in general! And at no point will it require Nancy Pelosi to fly around the world using government aircraft. And what the Hell? The big "O" himself could probably use it on his trips to New York for ice cream - and I'll bet he won't even get it confiscated by TSA! It's the perfect tool - the perfect time! It is renewal and restoration in a dull edge! We'll grow the economy and usher in a new day for small business .... and we will restore America one knife at a time!

Do you charge tax?

Yes, unfortunately your order will include some money for the taxman. We don't like to pay taxes either. It makes for nasty surprises when you get a bill. But, hey, we here at Black Helicopter Headquarters, think the world of you. And so, we want to offer soft, comforting words like "it'll be OK. The taxman is not really dressed like a creepy grim reaper," or "don't worry, the administration really loves you - and needs your money to build bridges for turtles, and keep the gold plating fresh in the bathrooms of Congress."

But we know, comforting words don't reduce the sting. So screw it. We are taxed. Out here in the desert, the long arms of the evil ones still reach out to us - so we are forced to pass on the extra cost and TAX YOUR SORRY BUTT.

Sorry. 

But it will be magically added to your order. And that's a wondrous process to behold.

How much is shipping?

Shipping is usually a flat fee, unless it is not. Figuring out shipping is like figuring out the Tax Code - except, we don't have to ride the shipping crazy train. Unless you live on the moon, or Hawaii, or somewhere in Germany, which all seem to be about the same distance from us. See our Price List for current shipping fees.

How long will it take for me to receive the work of art, for which I just paid all those taxes and exorbitant shipping costs?

As long as it takes. Actually, custom knifemakers have been known to take six months to a year to produce some glitzy piece of crap. Since our blades are neither glitzy nor crap, you can expect a production time of about four weeks plus shipping.

NOTE: See our processes! You specifically should be interested in reading about knife maker time. Knife maker time is different from other time, because we live in a space-time bubble. Please see the last episode of stargate sg1 for further explanation.

We do have some limitations regarding our steel (which is the best on the planet - no kidding) and our coatings (which are also pretty good). The steel takes some time to get if we need to order it. The waterjet dudes have to cut the steel, the coating takes time, because it is magic - and of course this is all happening at different locations. Get the picture? Yeah baby. We are some high-tech suckers out here. A good poop takes time, and some tactical magazines to read - and so do our knives, even though they're not poop. They are tactical, though.

What if I'm on my way to the bad places, and I need my knife fast?

Contact us. We'll see what we can do. But whatever it is, it is going to cost more on shipping, probably. So be prepared for that. We can't make any promises, of course. Our business is like any other one. We've got a lot of things in the air - much like our team of professional jugglers. But Spork Girl keeps tasering them, so they're not juggling too well right now.

What do I do if something goes badly wrong with my knife?

Send it back to us, baby. We love you. We will look at what you've done to our masterpiece, and shake our heads in sadness. We will wring our hands and gnash our teeth and claw at the walls. Then, if a brief description is included as to what was done to destroy our fine knife, and you have been kind enough to provide us with your e-mail address, we'll send you a note and discuss the forging of a new blade - and the mounting of your original handles onto that blade. If the handles develop a problem - same deal. We want you to be happy at us. We have, however, already spent your money, so unless there's no way to repair or replace the knife (and there's always a way), forget about dollar signs. We don't do refunds. We're not a department store.

What happens if I am abducted by Yetis?

We don't do Yeti abduction packages, turkey. Our advice would be to speak soft comforting words - and then run like hell. Just don't slip on that patch of ice and plummet 8,000 feet to your death. Just sayin. That would be a game changer.

What do I do if I can't find my socks?

Check the spacecraft your Chinese Pug is building in the backyard. Yeah - it's kind of spooky, but socks apparently hold the warp core in-place.

What do I do if I've eaten an entire bucket of chicken - or a family-sized portion of Chinese food - or five Big Macs - or the crazy shit in MRE number 5?

Aim away from everyone you don't want to spatter. Then hurl. Then stick a DS&S knife in a terrorist. That will make you feel much better.

What if I hate the idea of fanatic whackjobs?

Sitting around in a circle singing 60s tunes won't get you there. You just need to express yourself creatively. May we suggest some good old-fashioned ass-kicking delivered to rat-bastard terrorist fanatics. Smack 'em once for us. Then kick 'em out of the chopper. It's what we would do. But smack 'em again before you kick 'em out. We'd do that too.

What if I'm worried about the sky?

Don't look up. And try to get outside a little more often. Maybe talk to something other than the reflection in your soup.

What if I'm concerned about the environment and the long-term effects of the G10 which makes up a DS&S knife handle - and the carbon emissions which entered the atmosphere when my knife was forged?

Shut up. Get busy offing terrorists. By the time you reach number three, the reduction in poop and CO2 excreted by the rat bastard extremists will easily offset any environmental impact our knives might have. We aren't science czars here, but we're pretty sure we're right. Besides, we asked our tree in the backyard, and it said we're right. We gave it a hug just for you. Now, piss off.

What do I do if I've fallen in love with DS&S Girl?

The best you can hope for is message traffic, my friend. See DS&S Girl's Q&A. She'll answer your questions and messages, but be polite, or we'll delete your message and scramble the mime squad. You don't want them coming for you.

What do I do if I get my knife lodged in a terrorist and it won't come out?

Twist it, baby. That's right. Nothing in the world that a sharp twist won't cure.

What if I get it lodged in the terrorist, and in the midst of the firefight, bad shit happens - and it's lost.

We love our men and women in uniform. Badoracle would gladly take the place of any one of you, if the service would accept him back. Alas, time marches on, and the best we can manage from here is to produce the best gear we can for our troops. If you are a serviceman or woman - and your knife is lost during action. Contact us. We want to help - and will try to figure out a way to do so. No other company in the world would do this - but we are not any other company. We are DS&S Tactical - and at DS&S we make gear for legends...

and that is what you are.