How do I buy a knife?
Go HERE and look at the left of the page. It's pretty. Here is a magical place where you will be able to find fancy stuff - it's like Willy Wonka - just without the chocolate factory or Willy or irritating children. Contact us by pressing HERE. At this point, you will receive a knock on the door. A mime will offer you a blue pill or a red pill. Choose carefully.
In your reality (because it definitely isn't ours) you will then receive an email from us. We will ask you what you want, and if everything is OK, you will be directed through the exciting process of PayPal. Which is actually very legit and safe - and all those things you've come to expect of a real business. Which we are. We just have mimes.
A PayPal request will be sent to you. You pay the bill, baby - and we get a notification to begin your project. At that point, the steel is ordered, along with the other materials - and the process is begun.
Do you offer payment plans?
Only for trusted friends. You can become a trusted friend - it just takes time and patience... and a dash of kindness.
What time of day can I contact you for recommendations on dining, relationship issues, general questions about sailing ships and sealing wax, cabbages and kings?
Piss off. Try calling the White House. They want to answer everyone's questions with soft, mealy-mouthed bullshit. They'll probably give you a big, wet, sloppy kiss for making such inquiries. In fact, I bet there's an entire department set up with its' own czar by now - just to take phone calls from your dumb ass. Check. We'll still be here waiting.
How much is shipping?
We generally add shipping into the order - unless you live in Australia, Germany or on the surface of the Moon, which all seem to be about the same distance away.
How long will it take for me to receive the work of art, for which I just paid all this money and exorbitant shipping costs?
As long as it takes. Actually, custom knifemakers have been known to take a year to produce some glitzy piece of crap. Since our blades are neither glitzy nor crap, you can expect a production time measured in at least the same amount of time.
NOTE: See our processes! You specifically should be interested in reading about knife maker time. Knife maker time is different from other time, because we live in a space-time bubble. Please see the last episode of stargate sg1 for further explanation.
We do have some limitations regarding our steel (which is the best on the planet - no kidding) and our coatings (which are also the best there is). The steel takes some time to get if we need to order it. The waterjet dudes have to cut the steel, the coating takes time, because it is done in an outside biz on the other side of the country... and it is also, magic. Get the picture? Yeah baby. We are some high-tech suckers out here. A good poop takes time, and some tactical magazines to read - and so do our knives, even though they're not poop. They are tactical, though.
What if I'm on my way to the bad places, and I need my knife fast?
Contact us. We'll see what we can do. We can't make any promises, of course. Our business is like any other one. We've got a lot of things in the air - much like our team of professional jugglers. But Spork Girl keeps tasering them, so they're not juggling too well right now.
What do I do if something goes badly wrong with my knife?
Send it back to us, baby. We love you. We will look at what you've done to our masterpiece, and shake our heads in sadness. We will wring our hands and gnash our teeth and claw at the walls. Then, if a brief description is included as to what was done to destroy our fine knife, and you have been kind enough to provide us with your e-mail address, we'll send you a note and discuss the forging of a new blade - and the mounting of your original handles onto that blade. If the handles develop a problem - same deal. We want you to be happy at us. We have, however, already spent your money, so unless there's no way to repair or replace the knife (and there's always a way), forget about dollar signs. We don't do refunds. We're not a department store.
What if I want a refund?
See above. Once ordered and paid for, we start the process to build your knife. Money and time goes in. Subsequently, we don't do refunds.
What happens if I am abducted by Yeties?
We don't do Yeti abduction packages, turkey. Our advice would be to speak soft comforting words - and then run like hell. Just don't slip on that patch of ice and plummet 8,000 feet to your death. Just sayin. That would be a game changer. NOTE: Always be kind to your Sherpas, and they will keep you safe from the Yeties.
What do I do if I can't find my socks?
Check the spacecraft your Chinese Pug is building in the backyard. Yeah - it's kind of spooky, but socks apparently hold the warp core in-place.
What do I do if I've eaten an entire bucket of chicken - or a family-sized portion of Chinese food - or five Big Macs - or the crazy shit in MRE number 5?
Aim away from everyone you don't want to spatter. Then hurl. Then stick a DS&S knife in a terrorist. That will make you feel much better.
What if I hate the idea of fanatic whackjobs?
Sitting around in a circle singing 60s tunes won't get you there. You just need to express yourself creatively. May we suggest some good old-fashioned ass-kicking delivered to rat-bastard terrorist fanatics. Smack 'em once for us. Then kick 'em out of the chopper. It's what we would do. But smack 'em again before you kick 'em out. We'd do that too.
What if there's a Garggle Snorfleblaster sitting right acoross from me?
Don't talk about your significant other that way.
What if I'm worried about the sky?
Don't look up. And try to get outside a little more often. Maybe talk to something other than the reflection in your soup.
What if I'm concerned about the environment and the long-term effects of the G10 which makes up a DS&S knife handle - and the carbon emissions which entered the atmosphere when my knife was forged?
Shut up. Get busy offing terrorists. By the time you reach number three, the reduction in poop and CO2 excreted by the rat bastard extremists will easily offset any environmental impact our knives might have. We aren't science czars here, but we're pretty sure we're right. Besides, we asked our tree in the backyard, and it said we're right. We gave it a hug just for you. Now, piss off.
What do I do if I've fallen in love with DS&S Girl?
The best you can hope for is message traffic, my friend. See DS&S Girl's Q&A. She'll answer your questions and messages, but be polite, or we'll delete your message and scramble the mime squad. You don't want them coming for you.
What do I do if I get my knife lodged in a terrorist and it won't come out?
Twist it, baby. That's right. Nothing in the world that a sharp twist won't cure.
What if I get it lodged in the terrorist, and in the midst of the firefight, bad shit happens - and it's lost.
We love our men and women in uniform. Badoracle would gladly take the place of any one of you, if the service would accept him back. Alas, time marches on, and the best we can manage from here is to produce the best gear we can for our troops. If you are a serviceman or woman - and your knife is lost during action. Contact us. We want to help - and will try to figure out a way to do so. No other company in the world would do this - but we are not any other company. We are DS&S Tactical - and at DS&S we make gear for legends...
and that is what you are.
For those interested, our knives feature a zero-grind style at between 7.5 and 11 degrees. We do each of these completely by-hand and by-eyeball. There are no jigs at work here. Our grinder
features a ten-inch wheel with a variable speed controller - and we run it at high pressures with a 70 duro contact wheel and 2 inch x 72-inch blaze ceramic belts.
We do not, however, weigh our knives. If you are worried about how much they weigh, you must be preparing to take them into space. Hope you have a good trip.
Our steels have been LaTrobe Dura Tech 20CV, ELMAX, M390, CTS-204P, Z-FINIT Nitrogen Steel, CPM-20CV and a couple in N690 and Cowry X. We are always experimenting - and always looking for new materials and treatments.
Our coatings are also specialized stuff: We use Black-T and Black Diamond DLC. Our blades are sent out to those two companies to accomplish that work, depending on the requirements of the project.
We do all our own firing and cryo work. Everything by-hand and by-heart.
FOR KNIFE BUILDS...
(yep. We are that busy)
Troops come first.