Technical Support

First locate object you wish to cut or perforate.

Get your fingers and your head away from that thing.

Get innocent pedestrians and warm fuzzy cartoon animals away from that thing.

Stack up terrorist scumbags beneath the thing to act as cutting board.

Don't feel bad if you accidentally chop cutting board in-half.

NEXT:

Insert the knife into that thing - or draw the knife across that thing. But don't do any of this if you're taking orders from your neighbor's dog - or the small voices emanating from your kitchen sink. In the case of the latter, it is likely an alien spider creature living deep underground and dreamed up by Stephen King in his book "It."

"It" shouldn't be listened to.

TO GET A KNIFE OUT OF A TERRORIST SHIT HEAD:

Twist sharply. Exhale. And smile.

We are.

TO FIX A KNIFE:

Send it to us - if we give you our address - which is fairly unlikely. But you can always send us a message, and if we're feeling generous, we may reply in gentle, warm voices meant to lull you into a false sense of security. Unless, of course, we're watching the movie, The Big Lebowski, or the world is ending in a few minutes - both events which may coincide.

If those things do happen, don't bother calling us - we're busy trying to line up the bucket outside with the falling asteroid. Those suckers are worth some coin if we can catch it. If not, we can go back to the Big Lebowski, because "you just don't mess with the Jesus." In fact, we recommend saving yourself. Build a raft in your backyard, and pack a box of Twinkies for provisions. You can set it up next to the starship being built by your Chinese Pug, out of old socks, sharpie markers, socket wrenches, phillips-head screwdrivers and washing machine parts (yeah that's why it doesn't work anymore).

One of you will make it out alive. It'll probably be the Pug.