We may accept a return under the following conditions:
- Most land-masses have been covered with water, we are afloat on a raft, and Kevin Costner has gills.
- A Klingon Warship lands in our back-yard and after disintegrating our neighbors with those disintegrating thingies, the aliens demand we take back the knife we sold you. But only after
disintegrating our neighbors - except for a few who we like.
- Baseball players start to play the game for "the people" instead of for their own pockets or portfolio.
- Obama loses his bid for re-election. On that day, we will be dancing and listening to old Jethro Tull albums played really loud. Due to this scenario, we will not be able to hear what you are
saying on the phone, and so will likely just say, "sure - whatever!"
- My dogs learn a new and useful trick - like discovering cold fusion and thus ending the U.S. dependency on fossil fuel - or idiot green-scheme fuels. My dogs will subsequently be rich, and will
begin to support me - instead of the way it works now. Currently, I buy them food. They poop a lot, and no fusion research is being done at all.
- It has been discovered that old custom knives can be morphed into new Harley Davidson or Victory motorcycles.
- My parrot suddenly starts talking about world peace, wins the Nobel Peace Prize and sets me up in new digs on a ranch somewhere pleasant. It could happen. After all, Obama won the thing for
- You offer to give me a Kriss Super V assault rifle or a Wildey pistol, if I will just accept the return of your knife.
- You offer me a con-ex box full of parts for my COP derringer, subsequently allowing me to keep in in perfect condition in perpetuity.
- New Mexico state government adopts a new rule suggesting that if custom knifemakers accept returned merchandise, they will come to the knifemaker's shop and install several pieces of high-end
equipment, charging the resulting bill to Nancy Pelosi's credit card.
- Nancy Pelosi takes a Greyhound bus instead of a private military jet.
- Big media concerns implode under their own biased weight, becoming tiny black holes - and suck in all the useless members of Congress.
- The useless members of Congress implode under their own weight of ignorance, becoming tiny black holes which suck up all the big-media concerns.
- Giant octopi eat all the members of Congress as yummy snacks - then all the giant media concerns as the main course.
- Trees suddenly become sentient and everyone turns blue - and James Cameron makes a movie that I like.
- Killer sponges from the Planet Zort attack the Earth. This should be differentiated from an attack by the Snot Monkeys from the Planet New York Times, who have already infiltrated society and are
sucking the brains out of our politicians.
- Rat bastard terrorists become zombies and eat their own heads - in some kind of weird Steven King sort of way, alleviating the need for us to remove their heads with predator drones and 7.62
- We remove all rat bastard terrrorists from existance with drone strikes and 7.62 rounds - thus greatly reducing the need for ultra-stong, ultra-sharp ZEUS knives.
- A Rolex watch appears in a box on our doorstep with a note saying, "please deliver me to Badoracle, because he is such a great guy."
- It turns out the moon is a starship, and all the liberals are beamed up, just before it breaks orbit and heads for a distant solar system. Yes - we are aware of the political ramifications of
this - as well as the problematic gravitational issues, but we're confident that a revived space program might allow us to retrieve the liberals and the moon in a couple thousand years - so no
worries there. And of course we will miss them - and we are totally without politics here at DS&S. Totally. We love you all equally. And the moon isn't really airless. It's made of cheese - and
we never landed there - that was all done by James Cameron in the studio .... that's what the liberal dude with the tinfoil hat and nice sandals told us at the mall.
- Nano-particles in our shop band together and create a nano-union, with a tiny little "nano-Hoffa." We aren't sure what the results would be, but things could get heated around the grinder.
- In an unlikely, but not entirely unwelcome turn of events, sewer crocodiles organize with the giant octopi and in a sudden attack, eat Congress, big media concerns and other terrorists in one
- We are all whisked away to an Oz where the munchkins all run stills and back-yard breweries, and the "yellow brick road" is really the name of a local pub crawl.